Recipe for Disaster

RECIPE FOR DISASTER: AKA Elderberry Syrup
(Adapted from an unnamed herbal cookbook)

Step 1: pick a grocery bag full of ripe (dusty blue) elderberry bunches.

Step 2: mess up kitchen, best done by cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner from scratch without cleaning up. Be sure there isn't any place to put anything down. Germs will be killed at Steps 7 and 9.

Step 3: remove berries from stems. For best results get help from a 5 and a 2 year old who will drop the tiny, dark-juice berries on the floor, which isn't clean anyway, so don't cry.

Step 4: measure out two quarts of berries. In your last clean pot, place berries and ¼ cup water. Boil "until soft": 10 minutes? 2 hours?

Step 5: when perfectly confused, dump berries through apple strainer. Make sure there is something underneath the strainer to catch the liquid: probably a bowl teetering on dirty plates. Mash berries. When you notice seeds coming through the little holes, switch to cheese clothe, being careful to not upset the precariously placed bowl of juice. Make sure berries are still hot so that as you squeeze the juice out of the cheese clothe, you burn your hands.

Step 6: Stain every piece of clothing with purple Elderberry juice.

Step 7: return juice to pot. Add 9 cloves. Send husband to store to get ¼ oz ginger: grate and add to mix. Boil with lid off for 1 hour, being sure to burn most of it to the bottom of the pan.

Step 8: realizing that you cannot possibly can your ½ cup syrup, pour into ice-cub tray and try to freeze. Later you will put a very cold elderberry gelatinous substance in a mug, cover with boiling hot water, taste and add 2 cups honey.

Step 9: spend the rest of your life cleaning the stains off your clothes and floor.